I recently signed up to co-chair the presidency of the PTSO at my sons school. I was a bit aprehensive at first because I was worried that I would be taking on too much. And, when I left the nominations meeting, I felt guilty and overwhelmed because I felt that I would either be taking myself away from my children or that I would find myself spread too thin. I just did not want my decision to influence my family members as I have in the past. I have heard my family complain because they feel they are constantly left picking up the pieces for my need to fulfill every role or volunteer function that I encounter. And, here the whole time, I was thinking that they were joyous about spending the time with my children, or viewing it as an opportunity for me to fill my spiritual void in doing something good and rewarding. I mean I rarely go out to do anything "fun" so it's not like I'm having them sit for me other than work or volunteer. I just wish people around me understood my struggles both internal and external. I also wish they understood how much pressure they place upon me to conform to their ideals.
But, that's not at all the point. I cannot change others behaviors. I cannot change their minds about me. I cannot change their hurtful and manipulating words. All I can do is focus on my intentions and what motivates me and keep an open line of communication going between myself and my higher power. That's what fills my spiritual void. That's what helps me reign in my self-centeredness. That's what allows me to stay in the positive and remember to allow others to be right where they are.
I am beginning to take my fourth step on this journey and I know my higher power is asking me to keep an open mind. I know this because opportunities have been provided for me to experience some situations that bring me back to survival mode and pre-adolescent reactions. Those unuseful skills that I learned in spite of. I continue to get frustrated and respond innapropriately, but because I have some clean time I am able to reflect and notice some things. I just need to begin to seperate my influence upon a situation and why it may not go the way it's supposed to. I need to own up to my side of the street and take responsibility for my actions as well as my avoidance. You don't always get a negative situation because you acted or reacted badly but sometimes it's because you failed to confront a person, place, or thing, and allowed it to turn out badly. You can't just allow people to treat you badly your whole life while complaining about it in order to be victimized when you could have stood up for yourself. And, if you go deeper then, you can't expect people to see you better than you see yourself. So, if you have no respect for yourself, nor value yourself, why would someone else? And, why would you be mad at them for doormatting you when they see you doing it to yourself. Letting it happen does not make the other party at fault. Therefore, taking an inventory of yourself involves you admitting that you have a problem and are willing to change/surrender to it. What is my part? How did I influence the occurrence? What could I have done differently? What will I do differently next time? Am I a victim of circumstance or of avoidance? Can you allow the other person to be wrong without doing everything you can to be right?
