Difference in mothering

So, I had a woman over to meet with Everett this afternoon and I was sharing with her that I don't check my voice mail on my phone because often my mom leaves a ton of messages and they are all about what she thinks I should be doing or having an attitude about things she thinks I shouldn't be doing.  And, the woman said wow what great pressure that must cause you, she seems as if she is very passive aggressive.  It was almost as if she understood the feeling of failure I often feel when dealing with my mom.  How could she know just by one sentence.  So, then I went on to try to explain why my house was a bit messy and I told her how my mom took all of the dishes out of my sink and stacked them on the counter just to make the point that she wanted me to do my dishes.  But, my point is that I am a single mother and have to put my priorities first.  My priorities are my children.  The time I would spend on the dishes is time I would rather spend playing with my children.  I know my mother doesn't understand this because as much as I know she loves me, my feelings or happiness were not her priority when I was a child.  You would think that she could give me a break knowing how hard it is to be a single parent but she didn't have the same experience that I am having now.  I can remember us living in Romulus when I was 3 and running away from home because my mom had left me there alone.  She says she left me with a babysitter but the girl was 2 years older than I was.  My mom is sooo critical of my parenting skills, it's like I'm under a microscope.  She always has a dig to make or a nasty message on my voicemail because she's had my kids an extra half hour or hour.  See, my grandmother, who worked full time as a nurse, spent time with me, took me places, and cared for me.  My aunt and uncle took me places and played with me.  My mom worked all of the time because she had to and I was an inconvenience for her.  I say this because everything I did bothered her.  Everything I did got on her nerves.  I feared her.  I feared that I would let her down or that she would be displeased with me.  Her love seemed to be conditional, meaning that I had to be quiet and still, be good in school, be good for the babysitter, never disappoint basically.  She would throw my toys away. She put me to bed by 7 and I would wake up at 4 or 5 in the morning because that was about 10 hours of sleep, and she would sleep the day away, and if I woke her up, boy that would be the end of it.  So, for school, I would get up in the morning watch cartoons or whatever I wanted that was on at that time, eat whatever she set out on the counter or whatever I could reach, and get myself ready for school.  I was lonely, I was a grown up at 5, I was sad.  So, it's no wonder I made friends with my teachers and flocked to them and yearned for their attention and approval.  I had a hard time making friends with kids my own age because I couldn't relate. I couldn't identify with their "child like" problems, because I didn't know what those were.  We moved out of my grandmas house when I was 12, which is when my life took a whole new turn.  Looking back now, I was resentful towards my grandma for leaving me with my mom.  So, I became a bit snotty towards her.  I thought I finally had my moms attention so I did whatever it took to bond with her.  My friends would always tell me, I wish I had a mom as cool as yours", which I sincerely hated because they didn't know the whole story and I was petrified to tell it.

Once I had my first son, I realized what it meant to be a mother, what it meant to be in love with a piece of yourself.  It was the first time in my life that I felt useful and purposeful.  I finally knew what God had planned for me.   Some people get post-partum, me on the other hand, I was overjoyed and in love.  In love with the bond I had formed, with the possibility of a positive future, and with the idea that I could be everything for my child that I thought a mother should be.  I also formed a closer bond with my step father also.  I had finally understood all of the sacrifices he had made and the "tough" love he had given and I thought it would help me to build a bond with my mom but it didn't.  I almost feel as though our relationship grew further apart.  It was almost as if I no longer felt awkward and out of place about the resentments and feelings I had formulated about our relationship.  This child had made my feelings valid.  It had reminded me of all the things I lacked or missed out on as a child.  I'm definitely not saying that I'm a perfect mother, by far I am not, but no one could ever say I am a bad one and be right.  As a matter of fact, through my experience, I have found that I am a damn good mommy!

Through the program I have learned that people can only give you what they have and I have to apply that to my relationship with my mom.  She had me at 19 and had her whole life ahead of her and missed out on a lot in having me.  I remember, not too long ago, being at one of her friends houses' and looking through a photo album.  There was a picture of my mom when she was pregnant.  It was her in a bikini standing in my grandma's hallway and I lost it.  I had to walk out of the room to get myself together.  It made me realize how much she had given up to be my mom.  She lost her 19 year old body, her 19 year old life, her 19 year old dreams.  When I turned 19, I had no worries or cares, I was a free spirit then. And, as much as that doesn't excuse her treatment of me, it does help me to define/understand her behavior.  When I started having children I was 25, in a whole different mind frame, and still not ready to settle into parenthood.  It was a huge shock for me to find out I was pregnant, but ended up being the greatest blessing.  So, I can only image what she went through.  And, she was able to set boundaries between being an individual and being a parent, which is something I cannot do.  No matter where I am or what I'm doing, I am a mother.  And, living this life as a single parent is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  So, I don't get time to separate myself and have an outlet, which sometimes doesn't promote the best parenting skills.  Sometimes I lose my cool and get all frustrated and yell at my babies.  I just want to make sure that they know they are loved and that no matter what my love for them is truly unconditional.  Whether their behavior is pleasing to me me or not, I have their backs.  I am their number one fan and their greatest support system.  I am the rock of this family and that is why I am the one to make emotional, financial, and personal sacrifices for them.  They are worth more to me than anything that ever was.  As long as I have the love of my children, I will never need the approval of anyone, nor need to belong to anyone else.  The "be a part of something" that  I keep referring to already exists in my home with my little boys.