How can a break up still rip my heart out after over a year?

You know it was my choice to ask him to move out, but I know it was because I wanted him to finally fight for me and our babies rather than put himself first.  I know that seems selfish to give him an ultimatum, but it was what I was doing for almost 11 years.  Believe me, I didn't always cherish the relationship either, but when I got pregnant for the first time the relationship became a whole new ball game.  It was no longer about me and my dreams, him or his dreams or so I thought.  I had to make sacrifices and shift focus, but that I was supposed to be a we.  Because he was the father of my children, I loved him in a way that I don't know I could ever love again, and I thought that feeling was mutual, but now I am not so sure. And, now he's gone, moved on, and has no interest in being here but doesn't take any responsibility for his absence as if the only reason he's gone is because I asked him to go.  What sense does it make for me to say that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, grow old with him, and raise our family together and then say but you can't live here anymore because I hate you.  It makes no sense what so ever because that's not what happened.  What happened was that we had been talking about getting married and possibly moving out of state so when I went to North Carolina we were considering it as a place for us to move and then he had the kids for 5 days and decided to go out and get arrested.  So, he left our kids with my parents for a day and a half and never even spoke with them until after he picked me up from the airport.  At that point he had told me what happened and my head started spinning because I was thinking are you kidding me, I was supposed to be telling you about the great time I just had and that it would be a great idea for us to move, and instead you just threw my whole world upside down AGAIN.  And, instead of taking ownership, he blamed me of course.  And, I just didn't have it in me to clean up another one of his messes.  And, he couldn't grasp the idea that once again my children and I would have to suffer the consequences of his neglegence.  So I asked him to stop drinking again because of all of the damage it has allowed him to cause and he didn't like that so I asked him to go and stay with his mom for two weeks.  I NEVER asked him to move out indefinitely, that was a conclusion he came to on his own and the longer he was gone the more he was in denial and the angrier he got. The more he retaliated on me, the more the children suffered emotionally which made me realize that him being gone was really what he wanted.  He rips my heart out on a regular basis because he says that he's not here because I asked him to leave, but I know in my heart of hearts that he never really wanted to be here to begin with because if he did he would have stepped up to the plate.  Something in me had changed, I could finally see that he wasn't ever really with me because he was in love with me, but because I was a convenience, and because I always cleaned up his messes, and because I let him break every promise he had ever made to me or the boys, and as much as I tried to let it go, my heart couldn't forget.  I can't say he was the only one that had problems, but I can say that I am the only one still hurting. I just wanted to feel like I was a part of something greater than myself.  I wanted to feel safe and secure in the arms of the one I loved and that never really existed, I was living a lie.  And, when I asked him to leave it was because he had taken everything I had to give, everything I was, and everything I wanted to be.  I wanted to give him time to come to terms with the situation he had placed himself and his family in and have the time to try to get it together.  I gave him two beautiful baby boys, a nicely decorated home to live in, my hard work, my committment, my dedication and comittment.  I actually gave all those things to him in hopes that if I just gave enough of myself he would want to give it back.  I was soooo wrong.  All he wanted to give me was hatred, anger, drunken catastrophes, brain fucks, and broken plans.  He was content having his wants and need fulfilled while making me miserable. 

I wanted him to want me, desire me, have compassion for me, care about me, cherish me, treasure me and when he didn't I could no longer give my all to him.  And, refraining from my feelings or even putting them out there and there being no reciprocation is what hurts.  I just want to feel like I no longer need him.

I thought by letting him go I was doing the right thing but instead I feel as though I am being punished.  He gets to have a new place without all of the bad or good memories, and I get to keep the home with all of the holes in the walls and the broken doors, with all of the things that don;t work because he broke them.  He gets to live in a neighborhood with all of his family and I get to be a single parent that doesn't have a life.  He gets invited to social events and I get to be so wore out that I sit at home alone because I need a break.  He gets 5 days of go to work, go home and relax, and go to bed, and I get to sleep alone in the bed that we made love in.  It's like I am haunted by him or his memory every minute of every day.  And, the one time I consider hooking up with someone else, I can't even enjoy it because all I thought of was the passionate love I made with Brian. His face was all I could see and all I wanted to feel was his love within me. 

I just want to be able to find closure, find peace, be able to get over it but it's not going away.  Everytime he walks through the door to pick them up, my heart sinks.  It's a constant reminder of what will never be.  It's like a wound that just won't heal.

I heard this on a Lady Antebellum song along with the next paragraph and it hit home.  "All the words unspoken, promises broken, I cried for so long.  Wasted too much time, should have seen the signs, now I know just what went wrong.  I guess I wanted him more, and looking back now I'm sure, I guess wanted him more.  All the nights we spent just talking of the things we wanted out of life. Making plans and dreams together, wish I'd seen I was just too blind.  My heart heart was open, exposed and hoping for him to lay it on the line.  In the end it seemed there was no room for me, still I tried to change his mind."  I guess what I wanted him to say was, "I shoulda been chasin you, I shoulda been trying to prove that you were all that mattered to me.  I should have said all the things that I kept inside of me, and maybe I could have made you believe that what we had was all we'd ever need."
"Nothing more to say, nothing left to break.  I keep reaching out for you hoping you will stay.  Nothing more to give, nothing left to take.  I keep reaching out for you as you turn away. The door is closing and I just can't change it.....Let go of my heart so I can feel again.  No we can't be friends because I don't think I can take knowing where we've been. And, he continues to play it safe and talk to me as if we can be friends." 

I go to wedding after wedding and it's another chance for me to feel alone and vulnerable.  We both just recently went to a wedding together and not once did he ask me to dance.  As a matter of fact I was confused as his cousins date because he actually asked me to.  There were guys hitting on me and it bothered me because if he were paying any attention to me they would have known better and yet he was nowhere to be seen because he was too busy following his other cousin around socializing.

Normally I would believe that if I felt this strongly about someone then they probably do too, but in this instance I know I am wrong.  I know in my heart that he is moving on.  I DO want him to be happy and maybe if I saw him with someone else it would help me to get over this.  But, every time I talk to him about either of us meeting someone he says he would kill the guy and that he has no interest in meeting anyone else but I know him better than that.  And, I know that if we haven't made love in over 4 months then he has to be intimate with someone else.  How can it be fair that just because he's moved on with his life he still wants to hold me in these chains?  I mean I know better than that, I know I have a choice but I just don't know how to make it. 

I'm lingering in the pain.  It's all I am reminded of daily.  Whether I am at a PTSO meeting and a husband shows up or a wife refers to her husband or if I'm at work and I see someones wedding ring, or a funeral where I am truly confronted with the meaning of life, or at a meeting where I am allowed to open my heart and share, or invited to a wedding, or a party at couple's home.  I am constantly reminded that I am a failure.  A failure at love, relationships, intimacy, bonds, family, and life.  No matter how hard I try to be a good friend, girlfriend, daughter, granddaughter, all my intimate relationships disappoint.  And, somehow the common thread is me.  I think I would be able to make it through this breakup if I had a friend that I felt I could be vulnerable enough to share my feelings with, but everyone has been stripped from my life and all I have left are my children and I certainly can't talk to them about it.  I mean I have friends in my meetings but the only thing we have in common is identification.  I don't know anyone that plans on staying clean that also has little children or are single.  And, I don't know how to build new intimate relationships with people while clean.  It's not an experience I have ever had.  Plus, where do I find the time while being a single mom.  I just feel so alone and I look to Brian to find some common ground but he's so consumed in this new and "free" life he's living that he just doesn't get it and instead of identifying with me he just tries to break me down even more.  I mean he's always telling me and my kids that I am a stupid bitch and that he hates me and that he wishes I were dead and it breaks my heart and confuses my kids so then they are emotional and once again I have to pick up the pieces.  And, then he gets to go back home and have Monday through Friday to spend with people who care about him and are there to support him.   I miss his family because they used to make me feel like I was a part of something too but now it's as if they hate me to and that I no longer exist.  I mean they probably see it as if they are HIS family and that I am the one who chose to break it off but did they ever consider that I thought I was doing what was best for my kids and that I thought I was trying to make Brian happy by letting him go and that maybe I am here all by myself still picking up the pieces and that by being a single parent I am struggling without any support emotional, nor financial and that I have no time to do anything nor any money, plus I don't drink anymore so maybe I am no longer interesting or am no fun.  Does it occur to anyone that I am bitter, resentful, sad, angry, lost, confused, lonely, and remorseful because I basically just went through a divorce.  And, when Brian left he never looked back and he took every part of me with him and I had no one to be there for me and I still don't because no one cares enough to get it.  You know if one of my moms friends went through a divorce, her friends would gather around that person and offer them support and encouragement.  They would help pick that person up and help to love and nurture their children and when Brian left, not one of my friends called me.  Not one.  No one asked me if I was ok.  Kim and I talked about it a few times and then offered Brian to move in with her.  Lately Brandy and I have talked about it and I have told her how I feel but then she never calls to invite me to girls night.  Nikki lives so far away and has a new life of her own.  Angela is married and has her own life.  Laura works all the time and has her own children.  Jessica drinks all the time and since I don't we no longer have anything in common.  Gary has decided to be friends with my mom instead.  And, all of these people have their own lives going on and I understand all of that to a certain extent, but I have always had my own life going on and have made time for all of these people when they needed me and I did it because I loved them and cared about them and that's what friends are for.  I had to throw my own 30th birthday party and the only people that showed up were my mom my dad and Angela.  Do you know how many birthday parties I have attended or even helped plan and clean up.  It's a shame.  Like Laura, when she went through her divorce, I was there to help pick her kids up from school or whatever, go to court with her, give her emotional support, take her out and help distract her.  I helped Jessica plan her wedding, gave her emotional support with her parents being in another state, spent holidays with her as if she were family, yet she couldn't even come to my graduation nor call me when my whole life fell apart.  Here's a good one, Brad, he was like a brother to me, and even though I had a crush on him as a kid, I came to sincerely love him as a true friend, but I am a nobody to him and as much a s his dad meant to me, he didn't even let me come to the funeral.  And, he won't even look at me anymore.  How did I become this monster that no one cares about?  I mean I look back at my life and think of all the good times I had but that all came with the stipulation of using.  And, I don't want to use but I do want to be cared about.  I do want to have people I can call on as friends. 

I guess the moral of the story is that people can only give you what they have and if you are like me and give away all that you have to give then you are left with nothing.  Therefore, you have to be your own lover, friend, loved one, and cherish yourself, that way when you are left on your own you still have something left.  And, God does for you what you cannot do for yourself and maybe God stripped all those people from my life because they all took all the focus off of me and I tried to hard to live up to the expectations of others and people please.  It's my turn to love myself, nurture myself, respect myself, care about my wants and needs, and focus all of my efforts on myself and my children by building a relationship with my HP.  That way if I remain alone forever at least my children and I are strengthened through my HP.